Saturday, January 1, 2011

More than I ever imagined

I cannot believe a year has passed since I started my Forty for 40 challenge; 365 days (well, 366 if we're getting technical) since I sat down and announced to the world that I was going to embrace the big Four-O as the beginning of the rest of my life, rather than the beginning of the end.

I'm finding it fascinating to look back at my list and see what my almost-40-year-old self imagined would be significant. I put a lot of thought into that original list--things I thought would make me feel like a fulfilled, accomplished adult. Things that would challenge me, push me, make my life more well-rounded. And they have...just not in the ways I imagined (which, I suppose, is part of the point.)

When I made the original list, I was a little too consumed with tying in the number 40 wherever possible. Logical? Sure...but focusing on quantifying everything made it all about the numbers, not the actions themselves. How could I have foreseen that some of the most "insignificant" items on my list--the ones that were more afterthoughts than true personal challenges--would become the most life-changing?

A year ago, it would really have bothered me that I didn't accomplish all 40 things on my list...but today, I understand that I found what I was really looking for, even though I never wrote it down: a feeling of belonging, a sense of community, the courage to be more open with my life and feel like I'm being heard. A feeling of true self-confidence--not just a brave face I put on so no one would understand how unsure of myself I often felt. An appreciation for the people in my life--those who've been here for years, those whom I've just met this year but are destined to be with me for the rest of our lives, and those who have passed through my life for a brief time but left a lasting impact.

In reality, I would say I did about half the things I wrote down on my list...and you know what, I'm thrilled by that. It means I didn't waste valuable time doing things that I wasn't really interested in just to prove a point. The thing is, nobody knows or cares (I guess you know now because I just told you, but you get the idea). Does anyone out there think less of me because I didn't read 40 books the BBC has decided all English-speaking humans should read? Frankly, some of those books are downright boring (believe me, I tried reading them...until I realized I could be doing something I actually enjoyed--like starting a knitting group at my church to knit hats for Wayside clients, or just reading books I actually liked!) Seems like a no-brainier, I know...but for me, who's always been driven by the fear of letting people down, being able to say "screw the list---I'm doing what I want!" was freedom. So much more valuable in the greater scheme than reading the last 150 pages of Correlli's Mandolin!

In a separate post, I'll share my most memorable moments of the year--the takeaways that have made 2010 the best year of my life. I'm glad so many of you followed along this crazy journey with me, and especially grateful to those who gave me an extra dose of motivation when I needed it, as well as to those who told me I'd inspired them in some way. I'm so humbled and moved by your love and support.

For those who've asked what's next, I've made three resolutions for the new year:
1) To begin and end each day with a sense of gratitude and wonder.
2) To intentionally do something kind/caring for at least one person each day.
3) To do something each day to be kind/caring to myself.

Happy new year, friends! May your new year be overflowing with joy, love and laughter.

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