The Write Stuff

I can tell you the exact day when I knew I wanted to be a writer. I was in third grade, and we had been writing short stories in class. My story, about a girl named PJ, a tiny Cupid and a solid-gold heart (I was 8, ok?), earned a standing ovation from my classmates as I read it out loud. I had never experienced anything like the mixture of pride, amazement, fulfillment I felt as I stood before my classmates. I felt like I had found my niche—something I was really good at that other people would appreciate. For the remainder of elementary school, I wrote plays, poems, stories and books (several of which live on in a scrapbook my mom returned to me several years ago) which I gladly shared with anyone who would read them. I am going to be a writer.

Sadly, the older I got, the less prolific I became---partly because life simply got too hectic, but mostly because my writing became self-conscious. The glow of applause from appreciative classmates faded into a constant, unspoken fear that I had nothing to say—nothing that anyone else would care to read, anyway. I wrote the occasional short story, and have kept a journal sporadically from high school through adulthood, but I seldom wrote anything I felt was worth sharing. Trying to break out of my shell and follow my childhood dream, I joined a writing group for a short period of time in my late 20s, but never felt like I could get out of my own way long enough to let a story flow, uninhibited, out of me. It didn’t help that I’d always been a voracious reader—with each wonderful novel I enjoyed, my fear of not having a novel in me only grew; I didn’t think I could measure up to any of the authors who were talented enough to get published.

Ironically, I’ve continued, throughout my life, to tell people I want to be a writer…even when I haven’t written anything in months…years. I even included a couple of writing-related challenges in my Forty for 40 list, even though I wasn’t sure I would really follow through on them.

I’m grateful my friend Sue—one of my dear, dear Wells sisters, read my blog and issued a challenge of her own just before 2010 began. You see, Sue also wanted to write as a creative outlet, but also found life getting in the way far too often. So, she proposed, what if we help each other by being writing buddies—sharing our stories and giving each other constructive feedback.

I loved the idea—even though it was scary. After all, if I was accountable to someone other than myself, I’d HAVE to write, right? Someone would be paying attention. Someone would be reading my not-ready-for-the-bookstore stories. Someone would know my dream was still alive in there somewhere.

It took us a little longer than we hoped—procrastinators that we are—but Sue and I just had our first “writing group” phone call this afternoon. I think we surprised ourselves—I know I did, anyway—and we both rediscovered how much we love writing for writing’s sake. It’s wonderful to be taking this journey together—wherever it ends up taking us. I’m already looking forward to our next meeting in a month, and even more important—I’m looking forward to writing more and seeing where the story goes from here.

My Forty for 40 soundtrack

I almost forgot...my friend Kim requested that I post the songs on my Forty for 40 playlist...songs mainly suggested by my friends; songs by artists I'd never heard of three months ago, or songs I haven't listened to in a LONG time.

"All the Pretty Girls"--Fun.
"Should be Loved"--Blue October
"Superwoman"--Alicia Keys
"Empire State of Mind"-Jay-Z
"Underwater"--Midnight Oil
"Don't Wait too Long"--Madeleine Peyroux
"What Will They Write On Your Stone"--The Brilliant Mistakes
"Alejandro"--Lady GaGa
"Such Great Heights"--The Postal Service
"U + UR Hand"--Pink
"Somewhere Trouble Don't Go"--The Gibson Brothers
'Diablo Rojo"--Rodrigo y Gabriela
"Physical"--Olivia Newton John
"I Wish For"-Bai Kamara
"Love Drunk"--Boys Like Girls
"Hold Me Down"--Gin Blossoms
"Meteor Shower"--Owl City
"Better Things"--Dar Williams
"Stranded (Haiti Mon Amour)"--Jay-Z, Bono, The Egde, Rihanna
"Viva la Vida"--Coldplay
"My Generation"--The Who
"You Gotta Believe"--The Rocket Summer
"Zanzibar"--Billy Joel

I should also give a special shout-out to Kim for making me an entire compilation, which I affectionately refer to as "Ff40 II: It's Only a Number". Kim---your songs are my go-to workout tunes!! I go for a FIVE and think of you :)

And another thank you to Dana for providing me several CDs of some of her favorites, which I love!

Enjoy! If you have any songs to suggest, please let me know!

"Spiritual but not Religious"

When I started Forty for 40, I was most interested in completing the fitness-related challenges and, to be honest, some of the other items on my list were added as afterthoughts...space-fillers to round out my list to 40 items. Ironically, it's some of those "afterthoughts" that are turning out to be the life-changers.

Take, for instance, "Go to church at least 4 times that aren't holidays." I can't really tell you why I put that on the list. I haven't been a regular church-goer since I don't know when, despite the fact that I was raised in the United Methodist faith and, in my youth, church was a regular part of my life--Sunday School, Sunday morning services, youth group, church suppers, weekend rallies and summer camp. Even as an adult, there was a period of time when I would attend church with my friends (though, if I'm being perfectly candid, I think that was as much about going out to brunch afterward as it was about getting closer to God).

I have never stopped believing in God, or praying or having faith that there's some bigger force out there. I have been more than content to label myself as "spiritual but not religious" whenever the topic came up...and somehow, I think I convinced myself that that's all I wanted to be. I was uncomfortable with calling myself a "Christian" because I have too many questions about what that means...and I somehow convinced myself that you need to KNOW the answer to get anything out of organized religion.

And then, last week, my sister invited me to go to church with her and her friend, Cara, since they were going to be in Portland. She had mentioned this church, New Light, to me before--the ministers are her friend, Allen, and his wife, Sara. I accepted (thinking, "great...one more thing to check off my 40 list!" Little did I know....)

So, I went to this church that meets in a space called Hope.Gate.Way...it's located in the lower level of a parking garage. (Yes, really). Needless to say, I was dubious...more so because I was expecting something "new-agey" or fundamentalist than because of the location (which, as it turns out, is a lovely, warm, art-filled space without a concrete barricade in sight!)

What I found instead was a wonderful, welcoming group of people as diverse as the neighborhood in which Hope.Gate.Way is located. More importantly, I found a faith community that ENCOURAGES questions, even the most profound questions about God and Jesus and faith itself. And, within myself, I discovered how much I had missed (without realizing it) the spiritual connection that can only come from worshipping with others, no matter how much I was convinced that my personal relationship with God was enough.

I know that all of this is going to sound strange (at best) to some of you reading this, but my experience last week was transformative. I can't really explain what changed inside me, but I can feel it. I didn't realize how much I craved a spiritual home, a comfortable, safe place to celebrate my own faith while working through my ongoing questions about what it means to love God. I didn't realize I was envious of my sister, who had this life-changing feeling at a much younger age and who has devoted a significant portion of her life to youth ministry as a result (read her blog, My Life In Youth Ministry, for more on this...it's funny, touching and heartfelt--she's a great writer!)

I have no idea what kind of impact this will ultimately have on my life...all I know is that I can feel a lightness in my heart that wasn't there a week ago, and that can only be a good thing.

In like a lion

I have no idea what happened to the month of February (and my "regular" blog posts) but I can assure you, if you're keeping track, that Forty for 40 is still in full swing despite my lack of reporting (thank you to the handful of you who noticed and have gently reminded me that I'm overdue for an update!)

February was not a great month for me as far as my fitness goals are concerned--unfortunately, it was a little too easy to sleep in some mornings when it was cold and windy out, and I felt like hibernating rather than sweating. Happily, I feel like I've pushed past that--this morning, I noticed how much lighter the sky is at 5:45 AM, which makes me want to be out and about (ok, so I wouldn't mind sleeping an extra hour, but it's certainly easier to get up and moving when it's not pitch black and 20 degrees outside!) Getting in a hard workout at the gym this morning (Tabatas, of all things...if you don't know what they are, here's an article that explains them better than I could). And I'm getting the urge to go running...which is a good thing, since my first 5K will be here before I know it!

In the meantime, I've been spending a lot of time meeting new people--I've actually lost count, but I must be close to 40 already (even if I only count people I meet in places other than through my job). It's a wonderful feeling, for someone who has always been reserved bordering on shy, to find that once I've challenged myself to be more open, I actually ENJOY it. I'm finding that I can work past the fear of rejection, which in the past would have led me to talk my way out of lots of fun things, such as this past weekend, where I overnighted in Freeport with a group of wonderful women who I only knew casually, or not at all, through knitting. A year ago, I would never have gone through with it--but this year, even with the last minute knot in my stomach at the thought of staying in close quarters with "strangers", I forged ahead and had the best time, and now I have a dozen new friends to show for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, indeed.

I've completed my training to become a mentor through the LearningWorks program here in Portland, toward my goal of volunteering at least 40 hours for an organization that's important to me. I'll be matched, hopefully this month, with an immigrant (either adult or adolescent) who needs help learning English, understanding the city and just sharing cultural experiences. I'm nervous, but really excited about this opportunity....stay tuned for more news once I get matched up.

Finally, I've started on my reading list. I think I mentioned in a previous post that I was reading Correlli's Mandolin. For about 6 weeks, I kept plodding along, a few pages at a time, because, well...it's on the list. And then one day, it dawned on me: I don't have to finish this book just to check it off my list. Perhaps the most valuable lesson I've learned so far--having goals written down is great, and valuable--but sometimes it's just time to move on. Sounds silly, but it was so liberating to me to acknowledge that sometimes trying is enough; Forty for 40 is, above all else, supposed to be FUN. No one is keeping score; no one will think I failed because I only read 39 books (or even 30). I guess you CAN teach a 39 year old dog new tricks after all.

As always, I'm grateful to you for reading this, and for being part of this adventure with me. Peace and love to you all.